Dear Hisoka, Sincerely Me
by Vera-chan
Summary: “Dear Hisoka…” he murmured as he carefully wrote out the words. Tsuzuki focused the whole of his attention not only on what he was writing but also how he was writing it. He wouldn’t use the sloppy scrawl here that he always threw over paperwork.


**Pairing:** Tsuzuki x Hisoka  
**Genre:** Romance-y  
**Chapters:** One-shot. ; Even though I already have a friend asking about a sequel  
**Spoilers:** I don't think there are any..  
**Disclaimer:** Nope. Don't own YnM or the song! Just...borrowing them for a while..!  
**Comments:** Holy crap... Oo I can't believe I actually managed to get something out! laughs Okay, this is the first actual fic I've written in a while so I apologize if I'm still a little rusty! This is also a songfic and my first one at that. It's to the song Dear Jaime...Sincerely Me by Hellogoodbye which I suggest you all go out and download because it's a great song. 

Lyrics are in italics! Enjoy!!

**(( Special thanks to _Mi-chan_ for pointing out some errors in a review! Arigatou..! I went back through and fixed those up! :D ....>>;; Even though that one paragraph seems to not want to get out of italics for some reason. Apologies if it isn't cleared up by this attempt at fixing it!))**

_----_

_Dear Jamie I've got a letter I would like to send  
It's lacking strings of words with punctuation at the end.  
Should I trust this dialect?  
To convey the right effect?_

Tsuzuki chewed on the end of his pen, staring down at the piece of paper before him. There was ink scrawled over half the sheet already but upon rereading what he had… He just didn't like it. He made an annoyed little sound and crumbled the letter up, adding it to the growing pile in (and around) the trashcan not far from his little kitchen table with a short flick of his wrist.

Knitting dark brows together in a determined expression, he snatched a clean sheet of paper from the stack upon the table. For several long moments he merely continued to chew at his pen before lowering the tip to the first line under the initial margin.

"Dear Hisoka…" he murmured as he carefully wrote out the words. Tsuzuki focused the whole of his attention not only on what he was writing but also _how_ he was writing it. He wouldn't use the sloppy scrawl here that he always threw over paperwork.

No, instead he worked to make every line, curve and cross just right. Perfect. It had to be perfect. It was kind of like writing fuda – there could be no mistakes or it just wouldn't _work_. A mistake meant he would have to stop and start over. The desired effect couldn't be achieved if everything wasn't just as it should be… as it needed to be.

As he needed it to be.

_Dear Jamie I've got some things I'd like to set in pen  
I would have used a pencil but lead's just not permanent.  
Should I trust my printer's ink?  
To express the things I think? _

Twice more the purple-eyed Shinigami had to start over and rewrite what he had on the previous pages. The first time he had decided that he needed to rearrange some of the things he'd already had down and the second he'd let a few stupid little spelling mistakes make their way onto the paper.

That wouldn't do.

It had, of course, occurred to him that using a pencil would have been far easier but… he didn't want this to be easy. It shouldn't be. Besides, Tsuzuki didn't want to use pencil. You could erase that, even after the product was finished. He didn't want this to be erased. Ink on the other hand, was permanent. It would always be there.

Just like the context of this letter, what he was desperately trying to spell out in a perfect handwriting that was rarely used to create more than a few symbols at a time. His feelings. All of them. They could never be erased….

Never.

_Everything I've tried my best to think of something to contest  
With inside jokes and all the folks could have much more to say_

A page and a half into the letter, Tsuzuki was beginning to doubt. He wasn't doubting the truth of what he'd written – for all of it came straight and honest from his heart – but he was doubting what he was writing. There had to be more there… something _better._

For some reason, no matter how much more he managed to add, it never felt like enough. As soon as he thought he might have finished, another stray thought or memory encouraged him to throw down a few more paragraphs. There was so much he had to say but it was so hard to word it all just right.

The brunette paused to chew at his lip, reading over the now three pages of ink-covered paper he had before him. He frowned slightly and, after several minutes of thinking, managed to spill out two more pages from the tip of his pen. The last of his lines glittered in their still-moist state after he'd read over the whole of the letter and he blew lightly on the page.

He smiled slowly and, after a moment's contemplation, added a signature to the bottom.

Sincerely me.

_Dear Jamie this envelope will represent my heart  
I'll seal it, send it off and wish it luck with its depart.  
This stamp will be every action and carry my affection  
Across the air and land easy  
Should I trust the postage dude?  
To deliver my heart to you? _

It had taken Tsuzuki two days to get this letter the way he wanted it. He had started as soon as he'd gotten back from work on Friday night and had been working near-constantly on the declaration of love all weekend. It was now late Sunday afternoon. He smiled a little again at himself at the thought of how hard he'd worked on the letter. If any of his other coworkers learned he could work like that over anything written he could just imagine the amount of paperwork he'd be stuck with.

Nevertheless, he was extremely pleased with the finished product that lay stacked before him and he almost regretted having to fold the pages together. Nevertheless, it had to be done. He chuckled a little at himself as he noticed just how much care he was unconsciously putting into his folds. Purple eyes lined up every edge of the pages as perfectly as he possibly could manage, a blunt nail drawing a seam into the closed part of the fold.

Once he'd gotten the papers folded small enough, he slipped them into a stationary envelope. He originally had paper to go with that envelope but he'd been an idiot and attempted the first copy of his letter upon those pretty sheets. They now lied in a crumpled heap at the bottom of his trashcan under all the other attempts. Tsuzuki was glad he'd managed to at least save the envelope, though.

It was a soft, pastel green color with darker, jade vines imprinted along the edges, leaves sprouting from the thick lines and watermarked flowers could be made out half blending with the background shade. The center of the envelope was clear of extra decoration, however, leaving the perfect spot to very carefully write out the last word needed for his letter.

Hisoka.

The ink shined under the fluorescent kitchen lighting and a low, relieved breath escaped Tsuzuki after he'd capped the writing utensil. He'd been vaguely afraid he would mess up the envelope. Even though all it did was hold far more important papers, he still felt as if the envelope was just as vital a piece of the letter as the actual body. This envelope held all those feelings.

This envelope was his heart.

_Everything I've tried my best to think of something to contest  
With inside jokes and all the folks could have much more to say  
Everything I've tried my best to think of something to contest  
With inside jokes and all the folks could have much more to say_

Tsuzuki lay awake in bed far later that night, staring at the ceiling but barely seeing it. His mind was still on the letter. Maybe… maybe it wasn't such a good idea. After all, wouldn't it be more meaningful if he just came out and said all of that in person?

….Yes.

But he couldn't. He was weak and he knew it but he just didn't have that sort of courage. Besides, this way Hisoka could take everything in at his own pace, ne? It would give him time to think about it and be by himself. This way his eternally young partner wouldn't have that pressure of needing an immediate response.

Maybe this _was _a better idea, Tsuzuki mused. The thought brought a tiny smile to his lips. And maybe, just maybe, if everything went as he hoped, Hisoka would want to keep the letter to be able to look back over it whenever he pleased.

Finally, the Shinigami rolled onto his side away from the ceiling. Even in the more comfortable position, however, he couldn't quite find sleep. That letter held every little thing he could think of needing to write down. All five pages were covered in neat, small handwriting and hit on every subject he could think of needing to be hit. From Muraki, to Kyoto to everyday life in the office to all the little things he noticed and adored about the sandy haired boy… all of it.

And he was suddenly afraid. He was as honest as he could possibly be in that letter and now he was scared. If all of that was thrown back in his face… he didn't know what he would do. He knew that there were other's out there that were far more worthy of the teenager's heart. Surely…surely Hisoka knew that too…

Tsuzuki prayed he didn't. He was a horrible, selfish man for thinking such things but he couldn't help it. He loved his partner and he wanted to be the one that got to hold the boy and kiss him and be there for him and _love _him. He wanted all of that. He wanted to take care of Hisoka and bring out more of the child he knew still resided behind that strong, hard exterior.

He almost laughed at himself there, however, when he realized that he'd said a number of things quite similar already in the letter. Gradually, the dark haired man let himself be dragged into sleep.

_Give it up I can  
Flower and a hand  
I hope this helps you see  
Signed Sincerely me._

The longest employed Shinigami under Konoe-Kacho did not sleep long. It was late when he'd finally fallen into slumber and he'd risen especially early that morning. He'd taken the letter from his nightstand; dressed hurriedly and made his way to the office at an hour he couldn't remember ever having been there at. Tatsumi was still out of sorts when he arrived, the secretary barely sparing a raised eyebrow towards him over his mug of coffee as he passed.

Aside from Tatsumi, few others had arrived yet and thus he was not surprised to find the office he and Hisoka shared quite empty. He smiled at the room the pair of them spent their days in and moved over to Hisoka's far neater desk.

He was going to leave the letter – and the pretty purple flower he'd found on his way over – on the center of the desktop. Instead, he found himself tucking both into the book Hisoka had been reading lately and conveniently left on the desk Friday. The bookmark was removed and set aside and the envelope and flower were set carefully between the marked pages, sticking out just enough to be noticeable.

He hadn't realized his hands were shaking until he'd set the book back in its spot. He blinked down at the lightly tanned limbs and took a deep breath, laughing softly at himself. Tsuzuki turned quickly away and left the room before his nerves strove him to take the letter back and run with it. He did not allow himself to do that and strode as calmly as he could manage back the way he came.

A smile and little wave were shot in Tatsumi's direction as he hurried past before the blue-eyed man could ask what he was doing. He still had a good two and a half hours before anyone expected him to turn up for work and he would make good use of those catching up on some of the sleep he'd lost last night.

Or at least, he tried.

It was very hard to stay settled and relaxed in bed. Especially when he knew, thanks to his staring at the clock, that Hisoka would be walking into the office at any moment. It would take a little while for the young empath to even consider picking up his book but, after he had himself settled in with a cup of coffee and his things, he would indulge in the book in the little quiet time he had before Tsuzuki's arrival.

The elder partner knew this because he had come scrambling into the office a number of times, prepared for a good yelling at or at least an irritated glare, only to be met with the sight of the ash-haired teen sound asleep in his seat. It was actually terribly cute to see the teen slouched back in his chair with his book fallen into his lap and his expression lightened and eased by sleep.

Today, however, Tsuzuki doubted sleep would be sneaking up on his partner before his arrival. He continued to watch the time tick by with an increasingly nervous sensation filling his stomach and he couldn't explain it but he just _knew _when the letter was found.

At that point he held his breath and waited for the time he would have to go and face Hisoka's reaction.


End file.
